BREAKING: 'The Well' in Downtown Poplar Bluff was Never an Actual Well

This is NOT NEWS.

For years, many of us thought that 'The Well,' located next to Hay's Music in Downtown Poplar Bluff, Missouri, was a substantial water source, but after years of investigation, it appears that wasn't actually the case.

"You know we never thought anything of it," said a Poplar Bluff local. "We would see sweaty kids that just looked so thirsty and exhausted sitting outside of 'The Well' or in the parking lot across the street."

"I went to The Well a couple of times when I was 16. There was always a band playing music," said HxC Kevin, a former attendee of The Well. "I just assumed that The Well had dried up by the time my mom was able to drop me off, and that's why everyone was flailing their arms around. I mean, if that wasn't a rain dance, I have no idea what is."

We have yet to understand whether or not water was actually accessible at The Well, or what the purpose of it was once the water had eventually disappeared. We also are looking into how those who ran The Well continued to get away with charging $10 at the door and $8 prior, but would not provide the water that locals had paid the price of admission to receive.

It wasn't only Poplar Bluff natives that were ripped off. Teenagers in tight pants from all over the area would travel to The Well in Poplar Bluff, only to leave disappointed and thirsty.

There is still so much we don't know, but we are doing our due diligence to get to the bottom of this.

"I was there all of the time," said Nico Cuevas, "but I have no idea what was happening about 90% of the time."

This article and all articles featured on is satirical and not meant to be taken seriously.

Written by Nico Cuevas. 
You can listen to Nico's ridiculous ramblings on his podcast Nico Says Things.
You can also follow him on Twitter @NicoSaysThings