Poplar Bluff Possum Actually Got Well Soon

This is NOT NEWS.

A few days ago, in Poplar Bluff, Missouri, many people were subjected to a disturbing image at the intersection of Westwood Boulevard and Pine Street. What started out as a normal day for most Poplar Bluff residents and commuters, turned out to be one of the strangest days in 2016.

Laying in the median was what appeared to be a dead possum. This isn't anywhere out of the ordinary for this part of the country, but that's not all to the story.

Via  Lyvonda

While most people simply drive by possums, raccoons, and squirrels, and at times, run them over again; it appears that a good Samaritan had decided that enough was enough. This announymous citizen went to a store to purchase a balloon saying "Get Well Soon!" He/she returned to the site and proceeded to attach the balloon to the possum. This strange act of kindness was seen and captured by multiple people traveling through the busy intersection.

A few days later, the possum seemed to be gone. After some investigation, The Faux Fox team discovered one of the most remarkable miracles to happen this side of the Mississippi. 

We caught up to the sick possum, who revealed to us in an exclusive interview that his name was Paul. This is the conversation that went down.

The Faux Fox: Could you tell us what happened that day?

Paul: Ya know what? I really don't remember much. I had just visited the Poplar Bluff Junior High to drop off my daughter's medication. She's quite forgetful. Anyways, I've had some troubles finding a job, so I decided to pay a visit to some of the businesses around the area and see if they were hiring. Next thing I know...

TFF: Boom?

Paul: Boom. A car hit me, which I'm still upset about, because I had the right-away. At the same time, I've never experienced such an act of kindness, that I don't think I can have hate in my heart the same way I used to.

TFF: So who was it that attached that balloon to you?

Paul: It was actually a cat?

TFF: Wait, what?

Paul: You know! Nine lives. Always land on their feet. Will eat their owners if they die.

TFF: No, we know what a cat is, but how does a cat purchase a balloon, and then manage to tie it around you.

Paul: You see, it's that old type of thinking that is holding this country back. Who's to say that a cat can't be successful, and tie knots without opposable thumbs? Here's the thing. When that cat wasn't just wishing me luck. She actually bought an awesome dumpster for me and my children to live in, and she even offered me a job!

TFF: That's great! So what are you doing now?

Paul: Well, luckily I'm able to work at home as a moderator for her website. So I get to be at home with my family, and be there for them, but still get to make money to support them. You know, people say that miracles don't happen anymore, but they're wrong. You're looking at one right now.

This article and all articles featured on foxradionetwork.com/thefauxfox is satirical and not meant to be taken seriously.

Written by Nico Cuevas. 
You can listen to Nico's ridiculous ramblings on his podcast Nico Says Things.
You can also follow him on Twitter @NicoSaysThings