Is the Poplar Bluff Panda Express Already Haunted?

This is NOT NEWS.

If rumors are to be believed, the Panda Express location in Poplar Bluff, MO could be haunted by the ghosts of teens with no better place to be.

For many years, the Walmart parking lot at the corner of Westwood Boulevard and Cherry Street, has been a popular place for Poplar Bluffians to park their cars, and do absolutely nothing. While plenty of teens used this area to meet-up with friends to discuss plans for what remained of the night, a vast majority of those who frequented this location had no intentions of leaving, and still don't to this day.

Knowing the rich history of this location, we were curious as to how the residual energy of those parked teens would effect the construction of Panda Express. We sent our Faux Fox Ghost Hunting team to the site to see what they could find. 

The following are notes from our FFGH Team Captain.

6:00 PM - Arrived on site. Not much happening yet. Forgot to eat before we came. Wish the Panda Express was open already. Some Cashew Chicken sounds delicious. Sending our intern, Ryan, to grab some food from Beijing down the street.

6:45 PM - Hard to tell if sounds of trucks or cars are from ghosts, or just the billion cars that are in the parking lot, and driving up and down Westwood. I suppose it's ghosts, but we'll make sure.

6:46 PM - Ryan has returned with food for the team. He didn't get enough fortune cookies for the whole team. Some will have to share. 

6:50 PM - I had to share a fortune cookie with Ryan. He didn't let me read the fortune. He said it's bad luck. Not sure why that would be the case. That dude is so weird.

7:00 PM - Activity seems to be picking up slightly. We're picking up more truck rumblings on our audio recorders, with a few traces of Kid Rock and Nelly. Safe to assume these songs aren't coming from the same ghost vehicle. At least two ghost vehicles present.

8:30 PM - There is a minimum of six ghost vehicles present at one time. A handful leave, but return within 10-20 minutes. We've captured an audible "Oh my God, Becky!" Looking at the waveform, we are certain this came from a ghost 2006 Pontiac Sunfire, with a 17 year old female driver, two 16 year old female passengers, and one 23 year old female passenger that really needs to find friends her own age.

10:00 PM - A couple of engines being revved up. Doesn't seem to be an intention to race. Have heard some screeching tires as well. That should attract some attention from the ghost police.

11:00 PM - Ghost police have showed up. Ghost officer telling ghost teen to quit ghost loitering. Ghost teen exclaims "It's a free country." 

12:00 PM - All is quiet. Even ghosts realize nothing happens in Poplar Bluff past 11:00 p.m.

While it does appear to have some paranormal activity, we believe that future customers of Panda Express have nothing to fear. The ghost loiterers appear to be harmless, and won't actually take up any parking.

If you see any haunted locations, let us know. If not, cool.

This article and all articles featured on is satirical and not meant to be taken seriously.

Written by Nico Cuevas. 
You can listen to Nico's ridiculous ramblings on his podcast Nico Says Things.
You can also follow him on Twitter @NicoSaysThings